Jeremiah 29:11
Hello, hello everyone! Long time no see - I heard some of you missed me. I know - I missed me, too. I been gone for a minute, now I’m back with the jump-off.
To be honest… 2022 and 28 was mentally, physically, and emotionally draining year for me thus far. A lot of it caught up to me with my personal health, and I had to take a season of rest. Y’all… Your girl was down bad. I can laugh more now than I cry about my pain and the hell I went through, but it was traaaaaaash. However, God was and is showing me that He is still present for me and always goes before me. From people who fiercely advocated for me, spoke encouraging words to me, offered assistance when they could, and allowed me to confide in them (and also cry my eyes out). All I just needed to do was rest and focus on my healing. For every tear of sadness and exhaustion I shed, God gave me blessings I prayed for and didn’t even ask for. I give Him all the thanks and praise.
Without further ado, you all already know the drill. Read, reflect, and share. Give credit where credit is due.
Before you give advice or suggestions, ask yourself: is this from a place of wisdom/prior experience/lessons learned, or is this a place of projection? Sometimes I reflect on the advice I have given people and ask myself: was I thinking in this person’s best interest, or was I advising from a place of hurt? Sometimes people want to share to release rather than to hear advice. Helpful tip, try to ask: Are you sharing for a response or just sharing to vent? If you haven’t seen happiness or healing for yourself, it’s hard to imagine it for someone else. Remember this when you are contemplating advising on someone’s situation.
Be careful about giving unsolicited advice. Helpful tip, try to ask: Are you sharing for a response or just sharing to vent?
If you haven’t seen happiness or healing for yourself, it’s hard to imagine it for someone else. Remember this when you are contemplating giving advice to someone’s situation.
Also remember, wisdom can be found in different places, even from those you don’t expect.
Struggle can be like navigating the aisles of Target: there are different paths to your destination, and it’s okay to take the easiest route. Picture this: You’re looking for a specific product. There are many ways to navigate the store to get to that aisle with what you want. Some obstacles are inevitable and randomly come your way: a huge spill forces you to a different way to avoid falling; the escalator to the second level is broken, so you have to take the stairs; kids acting up in the ice cream aisle and their parents are either going off on them or letting them wreak havoc, and you don’t want any smoke, so you skurt, skurt out of there. But why would you be willing to enter an aisle of obstacles when you have other options that are easier to navigate? Again, obstacles and struggles in life are unavoidable. Life will not always be full of joy - there will be pain, mourning, anxiety, all a dat. But knowing how heavy those experiences are, why would you desire to experience it when an easier path is in front of you? I am stressing this because some of us believe that if you don’t suffer for what you want, it wasn’t earned. Aaht, aaht! As a Black woman, I still account for this being part of the curse and plight of the #strongblackwoman. Sometimes I used to ask myself, ‘This came too easy… something must be wrong.’ Now? I thank God for making my journey easy when something I am working on or praying for comes with little to no struggle or stress. Life is already hard enough; why make it harder? Come, take your cart and find the easiest route whenever possible.
I am a soft Black woman. Listen, I’m a delicate flower. I need help. I’m precious. This whole independent woman mess? I’m tired. Carry my bags. Open my door. Help me with this task. Shovel the snow for me. Call me an Uber for my groceries. I want to feel fragile and petite.
It is okay to admit you cannot do it or have it all. Do you know those trilemma diagrams from school? Good grades, sleep, and social life - you can only pick two. That was my first lesson in not being able to do it all. I learned this the hard way at ages 27 and 28. Again, that #strongblackwoman was showing itself. Instead of admitting with confidence, I could not do all of this on my own, I decided to take on all my responsibilities as a badge of honor. Being unable to handle my responsibilities at that time was a sign of weakness, and I wanted to show how strong I was (just writing this down, I’m cringing - imagine what it was like going through it). Instead, it brought me to tears, stress, and exhaustion. Later on, I learned the beautiful and liberating phrase of “No, I can’t.” I don’t mean “No, I can’t” out of fear, but out of respect for my boundaries. As someone eager to say “Yes” to things for fear of losing favor or opportunities, I learned to be more eager to say “No, I can’t” when I actually could not and be able to perform to the best of my ability. And guess what? I didn’t lose “favor” or respect… I was applauded for it. Wild.
If you are overwhelmed with responsibilities, I learned a valuable phrase to start asking myself: “What do I have to put down to pick something else up?” It’s not possible to do everything, be sane, and give it your all. We have the same 24 hours as many successful people in the world, but the catch is that we don’t have the same help.
Your personal development is like a textbook: the price and quality increases over time. For my former higher education students, we already know the stress of buying required textbooks with literally two pages of updated information for an extra $50. Straight-up racketeering, but we all know these publishers and authors are trying to make their coin. Well, why not apply that same idea to our own lives? The mistakes, failures, and wins we make are like added pages to our lives textbook. When you learn from those experiences and apply them to make positive changes in your life, your price will increase.
It is okay to make mistakes and not have them all together. As an overachiever, the feeling of making a mistake is almost crippling. It feels like: Welp, that’s it! Nothing else - your chances are over. But… Who says it’s over? If God isn’t closing that door for me, then I can always get back up and try again. Again, Making mistakes is a part of your life’s textbook: the more you make, you learn from them to make better decisions (and also share those lessons with others), and the more exciting your book becomes (see #5).
We are all still figuring out this thing called life. I did not know some things growing up, and the people around me didn’t know either, so we are all learning together simultaneously. Let us try our best to be safe spaces for one another to learn from one another and gently correct each other.
At some point, you have to have to face your issues head-on. You can’t always Usain Bolt your way out of holding yourself accountable for the issues you have to face. Many distractions exist before you realize, “Nah, it’s time for me to finally address this.” Solange said it herself,
“I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair
I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder”
Facing your issues isn’t easy at all. When you start to face what pains you, the promise of peace on the other side makes the journey worth it. Every year, I share this, but if this is you: it’s time to heal. Visit Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today to find a licensed mental health professional.
Pettiness is not worth it at all. Trust me when I write this. In the words of entertainer Jessie Woo: I’m petty because I’m Haitian and Caribbean. My people know all too well about pettiness. I warn my friends to never out petty a Haitian: You. Will. Lose. I know we live in a “catch a lick” culture, and we may even fervently seek the downfall of our enemies. The energy you spend to make sure people get their punishment when it’s you who will suffer more.
Now… this does not count for when people do outrageously foul things to you. Listen… if it is worth it to you and you can endure the process: call them lawyers, file that lawsuit, get paid for your suffering, and create and sustain that change.
Pride has two sides: you must chose wisely.
Negative pride will have you thinking you are above reproach and will have you ignore your own mistakes, while you call out the mistakes of others.
Positive pride will have you celebrating your accomplishments in a way that demonstrates gratitude, motivate you, and excite you to help others.
People that enable your bad behavior can help contribute to your destruction. As much as we live in a “Yaaaaas, fam” culture as a way to uplift and motivate our peers, sitting by idly and just letting people act the fool can be just as bad as them acting the fool. I learned that people are allowed to get away with bad behavior if their other traits benefit others. Foolishness will be encouraged or not reprimanded (even if it causes misery for others) so long as a bottom line is being met. Now… I understand there are nuances to this.
Sometimes it can be difficult to share advice or correction to someone. Maybe it’s not the right time or right place.
You are trying to figure out how to share that correction with love, not aggression.
The person is not open to correction; sometimes, you might have to sit back and let them figure it out alone. NOTE: When you are in a place where people no longer want to give you correction - it’s a major area of concern. Time for that self-audit.
Stop poking the bear - let the beast rest. There are some of you out there that are professionals in antagonizing others, whether you are aware of it or not. Like you wake up in the morning, show up in different spaces, and find ways to aggravate people, especially those not accustomed to fighting back. Listen: I would advise you to stop. What they say is true… It is always the quiet ones. And then you get upset and cry foul when they bite back? I don’t promote violence, but are you shocked? Like, are you shocked? Nah, you are playing stupid because you didn’t realize someone would speak up against your foolishness.
You cannot ask for intimacy and vulnerability when you create environments of chaos and mistrust. Don’t send TedTalks, sermons, podcasts, or articles in group chats, DMs, or 1:1 text messages about trust and vulnerability, but you were damaging someone’s self-esteem two hours ago. You’re asking for people to share personal things with you, but you have provided no safe space for them to share. If you keep asking what the elephant in the room is and why people are uncomfortable with being vulnerable with you… chances are it’s you. Don’t get mad when you ask to name the elephant in the room, and your name is said. It’s time for you to do a self-audit and process why.
Providing for someone does not give the right to bully them into reciprocity. Yes, showing gratitude for others is very important, but some people use it to throw it back in the face of how much you owe them. It is normal to have resentment when you have helped someone and they don’t repay you with respect or gratitude. When you step into a space of “You owe me,” the intentions behind your support have to be questioned and have an open conversation, especially when your providing is a legal and moral obligation…
As important as giving is, question why you are giving to others. There is nothing wrong with being generous. Generous people are often happy people! When you give to others with a cheerful heart, the blessings will return to you. But ask yourself this:
Are you giving to others because your cup is overflowing and you have so much to share?
Are you giving to others from the kindness and compassion of your heart
Are you giving because you feel forced to do so?
Are you giving to gain favor or even manipulate others?
Are you giving to feel a sense of importance, gain attention or praise because you don’t experience it in other areas of your life?
Your intentions behind your generosity matter.
Loneliness is real. The older I get, the more I learn about being alone vs. lonely. Alone is a state of being: you can be alone at home, meaning you are the only person at home. Loneliness is a feeling: You can be in a house filled with people but be lonely in your emotions and can feel no one is present for you. We are (still?) in a COVID-19 pandemic, but the next pandemic is loneliness. The pandemic forced us into various forms of isolation - for some, it was a hidden blessing, and for others, it created anxiety and panic. And for some, it was both.
When you get that random text message or call from someone checking in or asking to hang out, they may seek your companionship. Sometimes, people want to pull up to see your face. If the circumstances allow, let them.
Let’s try to make more of an effort to have a random reason to see people.
Stop believing the lies you tell yourself about yourself. Phew! The lies you tell yourself and that you believe about yourself can mess you up so badly. These lies can make you think you are unworthy, unloved, and constantly in harm's way and keep you in a negative mindset. Eventually, the lies you believe about yourself can turn into your reality. The enemy is truly a dirty, ashy, dusty liar. Start to tell yourself the truth: you are loved, you are safe, you are special, and you are deserving of the blessings granted to you.
Burnout needs to be classified as an actual medical condition. Burnout is not a joke. Please, everyone take care of yourself. I’ve suffered from burnout since graduating from college. Burnout creeps up on you when you least expect it and when it hits… it hits.
Make time in your schedule to invest in self-care and rest. Like to actually do nothing.
Remember it is not possible to do it all (see #4). Put down something to pick something else up, or to just put it down and have some moment of calm.
Speak up! I cannot stress this enough. If you are feeling overwhelmed, speak up for yourself. If anyone shames you for not being able to “handle it all,” tell them to go fight the air.
If you are in an environment that is constantly making it hard for you to get that reset and catch your bearings, create an exit plan.
If a strategic exit plan isn’t possible, RUN.
Speaking of run… Sometimes you need just to get away. In 2022, I decided to go on a solo adventure to Cancun, Mexico. If you know me, you know I am no stranger to having solo travel, but this was my first vacation in three years, in this COVID-19 era, and internationally without an academic reason, like studying abroad. All I knew was that I was overdue for some time off, and doing it in the U.S. wasn’t hitting. A solo trip to clear the mind and get some space? 10/10 recommend.
Also… Global Entry/Pre-Check is everything. If you plan on going on vacation with me, you are able-bodied, don’t require assistance, and don’t have Pre-Check, I am leaving you at security. I’ll be inside ordering our food and drinks at the airport lounge.
Your mental health can cost you more than your spending habits. Hear me out on this one. Your mental health can impact every area of your life: finances, relationships, employment, spirituality, parenting, everything. A sound mind invites sound decisions. Stay with me on this one… I believe there is a reason why mental health resources are still made scarce for specific communities and why it’s not always an automatically included service in healthcare. A mentally healthy population will make better decisions for themselves and their communities. I’m just going to let this one sit here and move on.
For my generational curse-breakers, this one is for us: give yourselves grace. We are doing work that should have been done way before us being born. We are tending to the personal wounds we have made as a result of our traumas, and at the same time, we are addressing the sources of those traumas. We must fix our issues and those who came before us to ensure those who come after us don’t endure the same pain. Y’all… I know we are not okay. Please, while on this journey, let us work to give ourselves and each other grace.
It is okay not to be okay. Check on your strong friends - we are not okay. We spend more time sharing how we are “okay” to be tough and brave, but we struggle hard. However, we strong friends have to do a better job of opening up and allowing others to help us. How can we get the help we cry in silence about if we don’t accept the help or give people a chance to care about us?
Close mouths do not get fed. You will not get what you don’t ask for. It is as simple as “Can you help me?” “Can you do this for me?” “Can I ask you a question?” Be willing to be vulnerable and ask for what you need when you are in need.
However, be careful about how much you share and with whom you share. Asking for help is needed, but not everyone needs to know the full details of your business or why. Note: Take this with a grain of salt and apply discernment to your respective situations. Sometimes you need to ask for help, and yeah… it may be used against you. However, that speaks volumes about them and not you.
Some people bully others into telling their business. Imagine - you are making someone uncomfortable and bullying them to tell you their business to use it against them? That is psychological warfare. STOP IT.
Stop overthinking and step out on faith. Not everything in life requires so much detailed planning - you will drive yourself crazy and scare yourself even more. Just get up and do it. It’s hard, but I’m trying my best to step out on faith, trusting that God has already gone before me. My part requires me to put one foot in front of the other. Just try!
Continue to do things that scare or challenge you. A part of life is growth, but with growth comes discomfort. Discomfort looks different for all of us, but it is essential to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. However, this is easier said than done. I have learned that taking baby steps helps with the anxiety of trying something new.
Document your progress when possible. It’s a great way to see how much you have changed or learned while on your growth journey.
Sometimes, baby steps just won’t cut it, and you must dive right in.
Note: When I refer to things that scare or challenge you, I mean those that will contribute to your personal development. Please - don’t come and engage in foolish activities that can harm or even kill you. Unless it’s something like sky-diving - that one gets a pass. Make sure you get some nice photos and videos.
Celebrate yourself! This one was a reality check for me. It’s a constant reminder to pause and celebrate your wins - no matter how big or small. Hang up those degrees on the wall, treat yourself to a great meal, take photos of those moments when you accomplish your goals, and buy that new perfume, shoes, or whatever you are eyeing.
Also, allow and invite people to celebrate you, too! Accept those compliments, praise, and gifts with a happy heart.
Whenever possible, treat people with dignity. I went through a traumatizing situation in 2022 that rocked my confidence and personal health horribly. For months, I asked myself: “Why bother? I failed.” It was then I learned at that moment how you treat people in situations that can impact the way they internalize it. We see an uptick in violence in so many areas of society. While it is never justified to use extreme violence as a form of petty retaliation, if we treated people with dignity when it’s possible and makes sense to, maybe… just maybe… (and I know this is a reach), we may see less harm done to others in this world.
Your intentions and words may be genuine, but your delivery was trash. It’s not always what you say or do, but almost always how you say or do it.
Community is vital. God is showing me time and time again that He isn’t leaving me alone and will even place people and opportunities in these seasons to help me. I’m so thankful to Him and those who helped me at such a trying time; God bless you all with so much favor. I felt so alone in my hurt, and you all showed me that I am not alone. I also learned that kindness, respect, and integrity will never go unnoticed. The love I received from others outweighed the stress I endured, and for that, I am so grateful.