Joshua 1:9
Oh, hello there - I’m back! With another year, comes another round of life lessons. This year has been filled with such ups and downs for me and forced me into a season of isolation. I learned the most amazing yet (literally) painful lessons of life in this period. I thank God daily for His unlimited Grace because phew! Some days or weeks, it got too real. Speaking of grace, 27 taught me the importance of empathy, accountability, boundaries, vulnerability, and community. As much turbulence I endured on my flight to 28, I’m eager to apply these lessons and learn new ones in 28. I hope you acquire your own lessons when reading this, and please share if it’s in your heart to do so (and also a non-direct way to send a message to someone who needs some help…). As always, give credit where credit is due and without further delay…
The standards you create should also be the standards you abide by. As we learn to develop or maintain our standards for other people in how they must show up in our lives… are you also holding that same expectation for yourself in how you show up for others? As I navigated my 27th year and created expectations for how others should show up for me, I had to ask myself if I was doing the same others or if this was a standard that I can also meet. This has allowed me to consistently keep myself in check.
Hold yourself accountable. I’m learning that people may not like to hold themselves responsible because admitting they are wrong is admitting to their faults. We are not perfect human beings, and we can make poor decisions as much as we make good decisions. Holding yourself accountable demonstrates you are aware of your actions and willing to work on them.
The decisions people make are a reflection of the spaces they are in. Now this… this one took some time to learn and understand. As easy as it is to chastise someone for the poor decisions they have made, take a step back and ask yourself… Why would they do such a thing? There is always a deeper reason why and it almost points back to how people perceive themselves.
Show more compassion and empathy for the poor decisions the people around you do make. Instead of constantly reminding someone of their mistakes, ask yourself a hard but necessary question: What have I tangibly done to uplift this person to help add to their self-worth? If you struggle to answer… unfortunately, you are also a part of the problem. While we cannot control the decisions of those around us (we have free will as humans), the words and actions we say and do (or don’t!) towards others do have power and can impact someone for a lifetime.
How much you value yourself will determine the decisions you make or even the spaces you stay in. We often guard what we value the most. Those new shoes you worked hard for? You will make sure to clean them constantly. That new home appliance you bought? You will often refuse to let anyone else touch it or even borrow it. When you are learning to love yourself, you will often make better decisions or limit your time in spaces that do not help you grow. Why? The more you place a high value on your self-worth, you learn that you, your time, and your peace are precious and you will do as much as you possibly can to protect it.
Stop trying to be the “Strong Black Woman.” I’m not writing about a Black woman that happens to be strong and perseveres. I’m talking about the “Strong Black Woman” trope that society places on us to remove our vulnerability and humanity from us, and … wait for it… that we also place on ourselves. In many spaces of my life, I’m witnessing Black women literally jeopardizing their mental, physical, and spiritual health for the sake of helping others or even the world. Your support and dedication are appreciated, but it is not an expectation. The “Strong Black Woman” trope is a disease and a generational curse, and I treat it as such by staying away from it.
Stop trying to be everything and everywhere for everyone. So first off, this is physically impossible because there is only one of you. I have personally overextended myself for others to the point of actual exhaustion and physical pain and decided enough was enough. It’s not an overnight process to create your boundaries, but you have to start somewhere. Remember, your worth is not based on what you can produce and do for others. You are already worthy.
Be still and sit in those uncomfortable places. I’m not writing about those uncomfortable places that impact your physical safety or mental health. I’m writing about those uncomfortable places that you avoid not sitting and reflecting on some hard realities of your life. Yeah… those uncomfortable places.
The place where you assess why you are still in a relationship with someone who takes advantage of you.
The place where you assess why you settle for less than what you deserve because you don’t think you deserve better.
The place where you assess why you are emotionally triggered by certain situations or people.
The place where you assess why you are afraid to try something new.
The place you assess where why you are constantly self-sabotaging yourself.
The place you assess why it is difficult to stand up for yourself.
The place you assess why you seek validation from others to determine the tiniest bit of your worth.
Yeah… those places. Being still and sitting in that discomfort is hard, icky, and stressful. However, it is worth it. The clarity you start to gain while wading through the muck is worthwhile the experience. But don’t rush it! As hard as it is… take your time (and be sure to take breaks). There is no rush… remember, be still.
Speaking of discomfort… We might get into some triggering territory here (if you weren’t already triggered before). Take a break and breathe. Come back when you are ready. And so we begin…
Trauma is communal, generational, and cyclical. Think of it like a cold - stay with me on this. Someone close to you (could be a parent, teacher, coach, coworker, boss, etc.) gets you constantly sick, and you go off into the world with a cold. Then you bring your cold to other people, and they get sick. We all know colds affect everyone differently: some people get light sniffles, some sneezing and coughing, or others are nearly bed-ridden or hospital-bound. Later, you either get over the cold on your own or get treatment, but you’re healed! However, everyone else that you were near and got sick is progressing in their healing like you. What if you are still around the people or circumstances that got you sick? Now you repeat the process and continue to get others sick. Then they spread their colds to other people… and heal in varying degrees … or never get better at all.
That’s trauma works. It doesn’t always start with you… We all have been hurt by someone, who someone hurt, but like a cold, we continue to carry that pain and spread it around to others, unknowingly (or with full awareness…). Unless we decide to break the chains of bondage towards trauma, the chain will never end.
I Tracked Down The Girls Who Bullied Me As A Kid. Here’s What They Had To Say.
Stop projecting your pain onto other people. Stop forcing innocent people to be the victims of your pain.
On the aggressor's side: you are projecting your pain because it is easier to do so than actually to resolve it. Maybe you don’t have the courage to directly address your issue(s). Maybe you attach the trauma caused by one person (or people) to other people because “people are all just the same.” Maybe you spent so much time in pain that attempting to heal feels too strange and uncomfortable (how ironic, but it’s true). You can so easily tap into a place of anger to lash out at others, but you struggle deeply with being in a place of vulnerability and/or communicating to people the real source of your issues. So in your frustration of not finding the words to convey your feelings - you do what you know is easier: turn that anger towards others. It deflects blame from you for a second, but it continues to add points to your trauma scoreboard.
Eventually, people will distance themselves from you because they have a right not to tolerate your abuse (but what is actually masked and unresolved pain that you don’t have the courage to address). Then, you will ask why people are so unreliable or why people are leaving you, adding more to your pain. You create more feelings of resentment and continue to repeat the cycle. You also force people who haven’t built up the courage to keep their boundaries or are only present out of an obligation or tolerating you (not because they truly care for you or want to help you). They are also susceptible to taking on your pain and passing it along to others (you see how trauma is passed along?). The only person who suffers is you and the people you forced to stay on your sinking ship. Please heal. You deserve a chance to save your ship to see the joys of what the sea of life has to offer.
On victim's side (or what is called “the supply” ): it is not your fault. It’s a struggle not to internalize a lot of the pain placed upon you, especially when you don’t understand why the projection is happening in the first place. That person's (or people’s) pain is their issue - not yours. Also, remember that it is not your obligation to be solely responsible for resolving that person’s trauma - that is work they have to do themselves. Support and encouragement are one thing, but healing isn't your mandated duty.
Stop walking on eggshells for people who don’t prioritize you. Imagine being so self-conscious of what others who don’t care for you will say about you. I’m not saying act the fool and ignore the tone of the room, but be yourself unapologetically. Those who have to say anything about it - let them. I just say my job is just to look cute when they do (and so far, I’m doing a pretty good job of it these days).
Abuse in any form is abuse. I know we often see abuse as anything physical that can show scars or a violation of one’s physical autonomy. However, two forms that we don’t often normalize or see as detrimental are verbal and emotional abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse carry their own set of wounds that will last a person’s lifetime even with therapy or other interventions. Because the abuse is not “tangible” with physical evidence, many people will brush aside their experiences. Please, for your sake, stop ignoring your own suffering and get the help you deserve. I’m including a list of resources here.
The unhealed trauma of your past will follow you to your future. Before or when you enter new stages of your life (career/job, school, romantic relationships, marriage, parenthood, property buying, etc.), get a therapist, coach, an accountability partner, and/or do some deep reflections. It is not fair to you and those around you for your baggage from the past to take up space in a new environment or season of your life. When you least expect it, the triggers will follow you and show up in the most random spaces: when you commute to work, when you speak to strangers, when you are buying groceries (I’m talking random). If this is you… this is your sign to start your healing process. You deserve it. You deserve peace.
Give people the grace and space to change. Stop holding people to their past when they are genuinely doing the active work to change. As you navigate your healing journey, you know first hand that it’s painful when someone still attaches your past behaviors to you (I mean... I don’t blame them… that’s all they remember of you). That’s why it’s even more important to extend grace and allow someone else the opportunity to change. As a Christian, I am called to give grace and compassion because God constantly does the same for me. Who am I to not extend that for someone else?
Now, trust me when I write, I know how hard this is, especially for people who truly hurt you in ways you don’t wish on others. I remind myself of this every day that I have to let go of the pain and give them a chance to redeem themselves.
Even when extending grace and compassion to others, they can still be held accountable for their actions. Now - grace and compassion are not an excuse to allow people to get away with their misdeeds. We don’t do that over here. Grace and accountability are not mutually exclusive - the two can and must operate in tandem. It is possible to hold space for the pain someone has endured and seek justice for the damage they have caused.
Also, you are not… I repeat… not obligated to stay around those who have hurt you. You can extend all the grace, compassion, and forgiveness in the world to someone, and you have the right (and should exercise it) to keep your distance from those who hurt you (or go no-contact if it is needed). You are under no obligation to revisit people or spaces that still present a threat to your healing journey and cause you to regress.
Please, please, please - when seeking justice, please do not be consumed by it. Being consumed by seeking justice can create a very vindictive spirit and you will not rest until you see someone suffer for what they did you to. Eventually, you will become the villain because of this obsession. If you have ever read the book (or saw the movie), Gone Girl, (spoiler warning!) the title character Amy is so consumed with getting back at her cheating husband that she sacrificed a lot of her life for, that she ends up leaving death and destruction in her path (literally). Please don’t be like Amy (seriously, don’t).
Despite the positive changes you are making, people won’t give you that grace. First impressions are hard to take back and that’s a fact of life. Some people are holding on to that pain you probably inflicted on them and they need their opportunity to heal. It’s another reminder to be mindful of how you show up in different spaces. See #13.
A broken clock is right twice a day. While the messenger maybe someone with questionable credibility (or it’s obvious they are struggling to get their own lives together for whatever reason), remember that wisdom can still come from the most unexpected places. Those “questionable” messengers also can be amazing examples of what not to do. Trust me on this one.
However, be careful who you permit to correct you. While no one is exempt, we can all benefit from correction - assess and fully vet who you give total permission to do it. A broken clock can be right twice a day, but that broken clock trying to constantly tell you the time when their batteries are rusted, leaking, and refuse to change them, isn’t worth your peace.
Provide correction with love, not with anger. “I’m just trying to help you - that’s why you always look like that!” I’m not sure if calling someone names or devaluing them as you attempt to “lift them up” is a great method of helping someone improve… If you are genuinely trying to help someone, It’s not that they don’t want your advice… It’s that no one saw them as they are and gave affirmations to them. When you grow up in overly-critical spaces, it ruins your sense of self and ability to take actual, needed criticism. Any bit of critique in the present feels like an attack, because the critiques in the past were actually verbal attacks. This trend of embarrassing people through “tough love” has got to stop - it’s whack and an “average at best” attempt to seem superior to others (see #19).
It’s okay to not be in a space to celebrate someone’s success. Now - hear me out! I’m not saying to be upset at someone’s success, but envy is a real thing we have to be honest about. Sometimes seeing someone else’s success can be a trigger and that is normal. Instead of immediately calling someone a hater, let’s ask why they aren’t in a space to celebrate (especially when they are consistently present in your cheering section in the game of life). A lot of the time people are suffering more than they let on. You got pregnant and your friend is hating? Maybe that friend that isn’t in a space to celebrate you has suffered a miscarriage or is struggling to conceive. You got a great job and that friend is just being a hater? Maybe that person is struggling to get callbacks for interviews. You are a new home buyer but your friend didn’t congratulate you? Maybe that friend is trying to balance other financial obligations and saving for that down payment is a lengthy and arduous process for them. It’s not about your successes, but maybe it’s about their failures.
To be honest, while it hurts when someone doesn’t want to celebrate you, also assess how you announce your wins. There is nothing wrong at all with sharing your joy with the world - spread that positivity! But some people share their wins for validation. They use those wins to show off and compete against others to uplift themselves. They internationally share their wins to people they know are struggling and provide no message or effort to assist. Yeah… I’m talking about those people. The people who also purposely surround themselves with others they know are having a rough time… but that boosts their self-esteem to see people “below” them. You may be “securing the bag”, but you are bankrupt in many areas of life. Get some healing - it will help you secure even more wins.
If you find yourself envious of others’ success, you need to ask yourself why. Sitting in envy does only does harm to you. See #19 for more.
It’s almost always the people who put on a front of superiority that hides the most inferiority. The “mean girls” or “you can’t sit with us” isn’t a personality - it’s a cover-up for your own feelings of inadequacy so you use superiority to feel some sense of worth. A pig can only have so much lipstick on.
Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s a cliche, but it is true. I have to detach from social media these days. Why? As great for you all living your best lives and sharing it, but me watching you and not spending time on my own life does nothing for me. Sorry, not sorry. It’s one thing to be inspired, but when you find you start to get anxious, depressed, or upset at seeing people sharing their highlight reels? It’s time to log off and focus on you (see #17). You forgot about yourself for a long time because you are so focused on seeing what other people are doing, and might be too scared to make those moves yourself (or your circumstances don’t allow for it at the moment). Also, people often share the good in their lives. They rarely show tears, heartache, stress, sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, grief, or whatever else. Stop trying to live vicariously through others. Some people have been through or are still traveling through absolute hell to get to where they are. Don’t envy a path you know you won’t be able to travel. What is for you will be for you, but you have to also do the work for it.
You have a right to create and enforce boundaries and to have consequences for people who cross them. To all my people-pleasers - this one’s for you. Don’t be afraid to say no and maintain that no. I know it’s hard when you may have grown up and people were upset that you held your boundaries: I’m talking gaslighting, withholding opportunities, friendships, and other relationships. There are people who are offended and mistreat you because you said no… My dear people-pleasers… that speaks more about them than you. There are a lot of hurt people walking around.
Pro Tip: State your boundaries with kindness and respect - it helps to ease off the creeping guilt that comes when you say no. Also, that way if they react negatively and attempt to withdraw something from you - that’s how you know for a fact they are hurting in ways you can’t comprehend (and you are not obligated to do so either).
Some people make their love or praise conditional based on what you can do for them. As someone who has grown up enduring this… this is actual manipulation and abuse. If you do this… stop it now. If you used to do it - assess why, so you don’t want it to ever happen again.
Forgiveness is a necessary and daily practice. Phew - I know I wrote last year that forgiveness is needed, but I didn’t realize how hard it is. Forgiveness is really about you and not the other person. I’m learning that forgiveness is like a car windshield wiper - you need it to help clean off your windshield to see where you are going on this road of life. While on your road, you will have some amazing opportunities or lessons come your way - if you are still holding on to the hurt of the past, you will miss it or you cannot access it.
Sometimes it is really hard to forgive and that’s okay - it takes time (maybe even a lifetime). But doing the small steps towards it is better than not doing it at all.
Take the time to learn what your attachment style is - it affects you, your relationships, and your goals more than you know. This year, I read Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love, and did I learn a LOT. Once you learn about your attachment style, your approach to any type of relationship and self-perception starts to make sense. Your attachment style often begins as early as childhood. There is a reason why you fear relational intimacy and push people away. A reason why you are petrified of being alone and cling so much to others. I highly recommend it as it will help you make sense of the decisions you have made and develop a more secure attachment to people and opportunities.
Stop expecting things from people who cannot provide them for you. Growing up, I was taught to never to rely on people or expect anything from them. However, this is a traumatic way on how to view life and the people in it. I have learned that you cannot expect much from people who do not have. It’s like asking someone who doesn’t know how to make rice properly to prepare you a Michelin-star level Beef Wellington (that thing looks so hard to make!). You see how it doesn’t make sense? That’s exactly what happens when you expect too much from people who have demonstrated to you they cannot help you or meet your standards.
People will fail you in life - and they are human. Humans are not perfect and even the most well-intentioned person will stumble.
There is nothing wrong with having realistic standards and boundaries (see #1 and #21) for people to adhere to be a part of your life, but the emphasis on realistic. You can’t ask for the moon and stars when you haven’t even tried to at least prepare to get there yourself.
People are not mind-readers. It’s not fair to expect something from someone if they aren’t aware of why. It’s your duty to communicate your standards and expectations.
Also… to be real honest: some people just lack emotional intelligence. What may seem as someone coming across as selfish, aloof, or oblivious to you, is them demonstrating that they do not have awareness of others outside of themselves. Sometimes this is unintentional, other times it may be done on purpose. Use discernment and communicate.
Sometimes, you are no longer a priority for other people in your life… and that’s okay. Relationships change. People change. It’s life.
That being the case - you have the right to decide who gets to stay or exit your life.
Your beauty and self-worth are how you define it. Growing up, if you didn’t fit a certain beauty standard, the ostracization was very real and very painful. I struggled majorly with seeing myself as beautiful (even in my adulthood) because of what others (children and adults) told me when I was a child: teased for my natural hair and told to perm my hair (and look at the natural hair movement now…), my glasses (I even had those strings to prevent them from falling off, haha), my large eyes, the way I smiled, my chin, and to even the clothes I wore. I couldn’t even accept a compliment with full gratitude because those painful words I heard growing up always made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to accept them. I used to resist changing my style because I wanted to rebel against the harmful words spoken to me as a child, and not conform to what people who hurt me said that“I should do.”
Now? Even in my most natural state, I am learning to admire how beautiful I look every day. I was intentional about going more natural with my portraits this year, and I wanted to do less because sometimes that is more. To show me more natural (with some light editing, haha) and how I look every day. I embrace improving myself and change because it is for me. I set the tone for my beauty.
Beauty standards are always changing. When I was growing up, slim was in. Now it’s rising hips, bum, and thighs of the BBL. And can you believe it… now there are people getting their BBLs reversed to have a more “subtle enhancement” look.
If you are raising children or working with them, please affirm their beauty consistently. That can have a profound impact on how a child sees themself when they get older.
Also teach your children to be kind to other children. It’s unfortunate that there are people who legitimately teach their children to be mean to other people. Please know that you are aiding in the destruction of another child’s self-esteem through your own child.
Show gratitude every day. Taking small moments to write down a few things I’m grateful for each day (or when I remember) has been so beneficial to improve my outlook on life. It is too easy to forget the many ways God has been blessing me because it’s not the grand blessings that I’m fervently praying for. Little do I know… that the small things are the grandest of them all: the ability to wake up every day and see a new day, to not struggle for the most basic necessities, to live without any significant or debilitating health issues. It helps me to remember what I do have instead of ruminating over what I don’t have. It also helps me to keep track of those small wins that do help me get close to my goals.
Learn how to spend time by yourself. As an only child, I am a professional of knowing how to enjoy your own company. I’m so used to doing things on my own that people would often say “No invite, though?” That was the point. There was no invite extended because I wanted to be alone and enjoy my own time. This pandemic has taught me different ways to really enjoy my own company. Intentionally saying “No” to outings (at one point I was on bed rest and recovery, and Ubers were $150 one way to Manhattan …. no joke) and spending time with myself has allowed me to learn more about myself - something I don’t take the time to do (see #9).
Don’t isolate yourself to the point where you don’t cultivate community. I saved this one for last because, in my season of isolation, I learned that I cannot do this journey alone. 27 was a wild ride for many areas of my life. I struggled to share my concerns with people because I didn’t want to continue patterns of burdening people with my issues. However, with times I decided to be open and vulnerable, those who support me really came through. One moment where I broke down in tears due to stress in my personal life and after prayer and journaling, I received a message right after with someone giving me words of encouragement. The person related to my situation and even gave me a space to just let my frustrations out. God was and is really looking out for me. Some situations where I had to have wisdom and life spoken to me or else I would not have made the next steps due to fear. For those who have listened to my cries when I shared, checked in on me, uplift, or even pray for me: thank you for letting me lean on you and may God bless you immensely. Going through life cannot be done alone and you will sometimes need a hand every few steps. Be sure to extend that hand and accept the help - you will go farther than you thought you could alone.