To start, 2020 has been… one wild ride. With #datrona running around and wreaking havoc, I can only praise God for letting me see 2021. I know the new year brings a new level of excitement and the creation of many plans, but after 2020, I’m just going to accept the days as they come along. Maybe it’s the “when humans make plans, God says and does otherwise” part for me. I never thought I would be living in the middle of a global pandemic (and in a city that was a national epicenter at one point), but life comes at you like a Brooklyn dollar van: bumpy and always moving fast. Regardless of what happens, I plan to take this year of my life to continue finding peace in the chaos and use the world’s “pause” to learn more about myself and grow. As with last year, I wanted to share the lessons I have learned on my journey to 27 and share them with you. Remember, if you plan to share with others - give credit where credit is due.
And without delay...
Chew the meat, and spit out the bones. There is knowledge everywhere around us, but not all (earthly) knowledge is to be fully consumed. Take what works for you, and go.
Procrastination is expensive. Couldn’t be bothered to take the chicken out of the freezer and marinate for a few hours? Look at you now, spending money on takeout because the chicken isn’t thawed out by dinner time. Didn’t wake up on time to go morning shopping at Trader Joe’s? Now you are taking a cab there in rush hour, costing you more money. Prior planning saves money and time.
Some problems and arguments can be avoided by keeping your mouth shut. See #6. Time is precious.
However, some problems can grow when you stay silent. Rule of thumb: if it does not disrupt your daily life, let it go. If it affects the livelihoods of you and yours… No judgment if you decide to speak up or pull up. Just apply accordingly. We all have an inner Karen - make sure to use it for good.
Stop arguing with people who don’t make sense. Imagine having a part of your strength for the day being wasted on someone who refuses to act with common sense. Now, look at you... looking dumb, just like them. It’s okay - we have all been there. Just do and be better.
Never apologize for your standards or values. Have the audacity to thrive and live your best life. Stop trying to over-explain or defend yourself to others either (see #7, #15, and #17). However, that doesn’t mean to shame and degrade others who don’t have the same mindset and live their lives peacefully.**
**Disclaimer: Peacefully, meaning that they mind the business that pays them. Those who live in absolute dust proclaiming it proudly and harassing others for not thinking or acting like them - See #5.
It’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first. I’m not talking about the type of selfishness that has you fighting people at Target for the last packages of toilet paper (and you know you have more than enough at home!). I mean the type of selfishness that has you value yourself and not serve as a constant people-pleaser or mule for others. You can be selfish and still compassionate towards others. When people start expecting you to do something for their benefit… that’s a problem.
Hold yourself accountable for your actions. I am learning that this is a difficult concept for people to grasp because it forces us to take a very hard look at our actions and why we do them. Many times, it also forces you to atone for your actions. Accountability is hard, but it will improve your life and those around you. I promise.
If you are also offended by someone making a comment that encourages you to be accountable for your actions, examine where those feelings are coming from and learn how to move forward as needed.
Stop calling out toxicity in others, and you are standing in your own mess. Please - go bathe.
Be the change that you want to see in your environment. Cliche, but your actions really do speak louder than your words.
Whenever possible, respond with love. A wise woman in my life once told me that you can gain more when you respond to negativity with kindness. I have also learned that responding with love also keeps you looking cute, calm, and collected. Is someone rude to you without reason? Respond with love - the act alone can have the aggressor looking crazy and you looking pristine.
Get a therapist - your friends are not licensed therapists. Your friends can only do so much to help you and your emotional distress, and it’s not nice to dump your problems on those who didn’t ask or equipped to handle them. Visit Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today to find one in your area.
**If you have insurance, check with your provider for any therapists within your network.
If you have friends who don’t care at all to even hear a peep of your concerns (even the light stuff) - go and find some new friends, my dear.
You don’t have to wait to be in absolute turmoil to see a therapist.
A therapist will not be there to clean up your problems, but give you the tools and guidance to clean your ish.
Let go of that grudge and work towards forgiveness. I know this one can be a difficult topic and one that I am also working through. Forgiveness is not meant to be a way to excuse someone’s ill intentions and behavior towards you. Forgiveness is for you to let go of the pain cause by that person and free you from anger and bitterness that can fester if not addressed. Forgiveness also has amazing health benefits.
When you are used to your feelings getting hurt, it is easy to hurt others. See #12 and #13. It’s time to let that hurt go.
Start creating boundaries. Boundaries protect your space, your livelihood, your time, and your peace of mind. Boundaries are not only for the people you interact with, but also how you react to things.
Read the room. Know when it is appropriate to say or do certain things when with others. Reading the room is a form of etiquette and respect for others - and yourself.
Move in silence. Don’t announce your plans until you are ready or until you know you are spiritually guarded against potential attacks (if you know, then you know - haters can come in any area of your life). Matter of fact… you don’t even have to share anything if you don’t want to. However, don’t let the threat of “haters” stop you from publically or privately celebrating your achievements.
Take note, I wrote “move in silence” and not “suffer in silence.” Being in self-isolation has increased suffering for others - please reach out to someone you trust and seek help if you need.
Even in a global pandemic, manners are still essential. In 2020, where people with immediate access to soap finally realized it is vital to wash their hands, we see that good manners and etiquette are not for the bougie or snobbish but are acts of kindness for others.
Always see the glass half-full and never half-empty. Perspective is key. Being realistic is important, but seeing the world with a dark and gloomy lens causes you to miss the smallest beams of sunshine that can bring some light to your day.
What is for you will be for you at the right time. Stop comparing your journey to someone else’s. Two years ago, I hit my quarter-life crisis and had the worst anxiety about where my life was heading, and it even affected my physical and spiritual health. While I’m still trying to make movement and progress in many areas of my life, these days, I operate on God’s timing, and I am entering 27 with more peace in my heart.
What you feed yourself in the morning will be your fuel for the day. I try to focus on prayer and a devotional first thing in the morning to feed my spirit and ask God to give me strength and positivity for the day. Going on social media, seeing the news, random videos on YouTube can cause me to wake up angry or sad. Save the ratchet stuff for later on in the day or the weekends (or not entertain it at all). See #15.
Unplug from the news/social media whenever you can. With shelter-in-place orders in effect for almost a year, it’s easy for us to wake up and glue ourselves to our screens to be always informed. Staying informed is important, but if all you are is “informed” and don’t know how to apply the information you just learned… all you have now to show for your frequent news consumption are the latest and ever-changing headlines. See #15.
Examine all sides of a situation and never take anything for face value. The truth can be found in many places - do not only rely on one source to access it.
Stop treating self-care as a privilege and make it a right. If you are that person who withholds self-care from yourself and uses it only as a reward when you do good - stop it. You deserve to take care of yourself and show yourself the love you deserve. Self-care can be as simple as getting eight hours of rest, a skincare routine, 30 minutes of reading, scented candles (or wax melt warmers, haha), whatever that is to you. You can do more when you take the time to treat yourself well.
While the world has been put on “pause,” make use of your free time. I’m not saying you are required to be hyperproductive, but do the small or big things on your list you wouldn’t have had time to do before shelter-in-place orders. From getting more rest, watching those shows on your Netflix watch list (that’s been sitting there for a year), reading a book, self-development, starting a business - anything you want.
Adulthood doesn’t mean to do everything alone. I’m a proud believer and practitioner of “enjoying your own company.” However, that fierce, independent, “I don’t need anybody” attitude is not you being strong or confident - it can come from a place of hurt. It’s okay to ask for and receive help (and show gratitude).
Tomorrow is never promised - live your best life with a pure heart and intentions. 2020 truly showed us the fragility of life. I grieved the loss of a friend (who celebrated her first birthday in Heaven a few days ago) and was (am) still trying to process why God called her home so young. In those moments, I can only pray for healing and strength for my friend’s family and loved ones and know that she is genuinely in a better place. I learned that we might never know or understand why these things happen - but they do.
A friend shared that while 2020 was a year of much pain and death, it was also an opportunity for a reset. In 2021, what areas of your life require a reset? What are the roadblocks in your way that are preventing you from living the life God has called you to live? Before you rush to make your resolutions and goals for the year - address your pain and fears first. Once you do, it will make the journey more manageable to travel - I promise.